Home from College:

Reconnecting With Your Young Adult at Christmas

By Amanda Salmon

This Christmas was our first time having a child return home from college. I did not give much thought to what this might require other than making lots of plans to do Christmas activities like usual for our family. I very quickly found myself living in a place of disappointment because things were not happening as I expected.

I thought I was prepared since I checked in with her a couple of weeks before her return about what activities she’d like to join (i.e. our family tradition of decorating a Christmas tree followed by watching a Christmas movie), but I’m learning again that things don’t always go according to plan. In anticipation of her arrival, my younger daughter and I found three Christmas movies we could choose from to watch after the tree was decorated. But when the time came, she did not feel up to watching a movie, so my younger daughter and I had to move on from disappointment to a new way forward — we would watch it when everyone felt up to it. The next day were we able to sit down and watch it. This new family tension became even more evident when near the end of the movie, one of my daughters mentioned that she had seen the movie already! I had to laugh at all my careful planning and waiting. She was too nervous to tell us after she saw our disappointment the night before.

I think every mom wants to make their home a peaceful, warm, and loving place (especially at Christmas) and have their children think back fondly of these times. We want our children to be excited to return home.

I took my experience and emotions to God in prayer, asking Him for wisdom. I also went to Google and connected with a friend who is going through the same thing with their child home from college. We noted areas where we made mistakes and wished one another well, armed with some fresh perspectives. Here are some of the approaches I’ve arrived at:

Honor your young adult. They have been managing their life and running their schedule for months now. It’s their new reality and it’s healthy.

There’s a time for everything. Your young adult might need rest and time to catch up with old friends. Extend the invitation that you’d like to catch up and be ready to listen without judgment. Communicate in advance what realistic chores you might have for them to do while at home too!

Be flexible. There will be certain Christmas functions I want my entire family to attend, but I need to be willing to adjust as needed. No one wants forced family fun. Are there activities I am willing to drop? Are there condensed versions like going for a thirty-minute drive to see Christmas lights locally instead of a long drive to another city for their Christmas lights? Remove some pressure by being flexible. Ask your young adult what plans they have with friends or plans that are a high priority to them so you are not caught off guard. Communicate in advance any non-negotiables (and even then, be reasonable).

Teach siblings to be flexible. If your children miss their eldest sibling (or maybe they don’t), help them with transition and model flexibility and communication by asking them about their hopes and plans for the Christmas season.

Do your research and be prepared. Googling “college kids and Christmas” and “reintegrating college kids with family” was helpful. So was talking to my spouse, my college kid, my other children, and a friend who was going through the same thing.

I wrote all this down to help me process and help others who are going (or will go) through the same thing. My hope for all of us is that we welcome the Holy Spirit to foster a peaceful, loving, and warm presence this Christmas in our homes. Merry Christmas!

“For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
    and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”